Time Is Not On My Side

Being a teacher has been far more difficult than I anticipated. It is rigorous, exhausting, demanding and draining. I end the day at 3:30 with the kids leaving to go home, feeling tired and yet there is likely an hour or two (or more) of paperwork, planning, grading or meetings to deal with. Mentally, this job is taking a toll.

It leaves me with little creative willpower and motivation to do other things, such as writing. I am constantly thinking of the upcoming day, week, upcoming meetings, appointments, tasks and other things that need doing. I am thinking of the classroom, how to improve it, how to be organized, and how to better manage student’s difficult behaviors. As much as I love this job, it takes a lot out of me.

I’ve found it difficult to find the time, much less the will to think of and write blog posts. I have been somewhat successful in keeping a to-do list and staying on top of things using a Bullet Journal (more on that in a future blog post but google it if you’re curious because I have no idea when the next blog post will come), but I still find myself barely keeping my head above water.

It is slowly getting better, I’m learning so much everyday and getting into the routine of this particular school and my various roles within it as English Co-Teacher, Math Co-Teacher and Special Ed. Teacher. Every week I feel slightly more competent, more in control and more prepared. Mindfulness is helping me stay grounded and calm (a future blog post on that is in the pipes as well). I just need to continue taking one step at at time. If I consider everything I need to do, it becomes overwhelming but if you just do one thing at a time and focus on that, eventually it all gets done.

All of this is simply to say I do not know when the next post will come. Writing happens sporadically, if at all. For those continuing to come and read, I appreciate it. It is nice to see the notification that some one has viewed something I wrote and is actually very motivating in pushing me to write more, so thanks for that.

Starting Anew

I’ve been absent awhile, for which I do not apologize. Throughout the summer I was planning a wedding, after which I got married, went on a honeymoon, started a new job as a first year Special Education teacher and adopted a dog. It has been a busy few months and I have not found the time nor the energy to update this blog.

The work/life balance is a tough line to toe. There’s days I’m simply exhausted after the day’s work and cannot bring myself to begin the creative process and write. In the morning, between walking the dog, showering, shaving, making breakfast, getting lunches together and finally getting ready for work, there is very little time for anything else.

All of these are excuses, I know. If I want to write, I must make time for it. Sometimes, I ask myself if I simply stopped writing, stopped trying and just enjoyed my time without having the nagging ‘I should write’ feeling in the back of my mind, maybe I’d be better off. Maybe it would be better to just stop. Forget the disappointment in my lack of writing, my lack of effort, and just give in. To simply leave the whole ‘writing thing’ be. Would I be happier?

I’m not sure. Maybe you were expecting me to say “But of course, I couldn’t stop and blah blah blah, I had to write…” but that’s simply not true. Sometimes I think I would be able to enjoy other things more if I left the writing gig behind. I need some soul searching, some deep digging. I believe that I want to continue writing. I’m beginning to find balance between my new job and my hobbies and my social life. It’s difficult but maybe it’s not impossible.

I’ll keep going, for now. We’ll see how it goes as the year goes on.

The Blank Page

In good times, the writer looks at the blank page with excitement, with potential, with joy.

Excited by the words they will soon put down, the story they will soon tell, the characters who will soon breath, live and sometimes die. There is potential there, so much potential for things to happen, it is a joyous experience.

Other times, the writer looks at the blank page with trepidation, with fear, with disgust, anger, frustration, indignation.

Fear of the unknown, of the lack of ability, of innate inability to produce anything of worth, anything worth reading, anything worthy of anyone else’s time.

Disgust at the fact that the page lies blank before them, blank, a symbol of the writer’s inability to commit ink to paper or words to the screen.

Anger and frustration at themselves that they cannot seem to get the ideas in their heads out onto the page, such fantastic ideas only to turn into plain boring text on that page.

Indignation, this writer calls themselves a writer and yet cannot, does not, write.

What is this inability, this refusal? This difficulty? Where does this stem from and why?

Writing is work. Work is hard. Make the choice, do it or don’t but do not dwell too long in between. Making the choice to write or not is meaningful. Deliberating over long is a waste.

Do something. Anything.

Don’t waste your time in the middle.